Or: “Why I don’t have a list.”

I know, I know – “the money’s in the list.” And I don’t have an issue with “money” other than I don’t have either “money” OR a “list.”

I DO however, have a list of pet peeves.

One of them is the way that internet marketing has become (always been?) the LEAST imaginative, cookie-cutter, carbon-copycat-monkey-see-monkey-PLEASE-don’t-do-this-please-for-the-love-of…

Nevermind.

He hit send on the swiped email.

Lovely.

I’m constantly railing against this because it is so PLAYED OUT. The “money’s in the list” but what on earth happened to your imagination, man??

“The money’s in the list” may be true -

But what the hell’s in my inbox??

Is there any added value? Is there an actual benefit to the recipients of your current swipe-copy drivel – or do you even care?

Is it necessary to undergo a frontal lobotomy when you sign up as an internet marketer? I’ll be the poorest genius, but I don’t know that I can go out like this.

Count me out: if this is “internet marketing” then I’ll work at McDonald’s and give you an honest cheeseburger…

“The money’s in the list” – but your tired, broken vinyl record keeps hitting that same old groove, and it makes me want to wash my hands of internet marketing.

Alack!

Let’s just dissect the recent drivel, shall we?

Exclusivity – being part of a group:

James,
Imagine getting tapped on the shoulder one day…
… with nothing but the words “you’re in”…

… and suddenly you’re given access to a proven method
(so easy it’s almost “unfair”) for making a passive
income online….

Here, Johnny Q. Marketer is trying to ally himself – to put his hand on our shoulder, and tell us: you are part of a secret club – you’re family!

You know, let’s run with this a second. If I was out someplace, taking my wife out on a stroll through WinCo (a fab place for groceries – you needs you a WinCo!), and some…CREEP…

I mean, really!

Some creep out of the blue comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder and says, (I can only imagine him speaking to me like Marlon Brando for some reason):

“you’re in”…

First off, it should have been “You’re in” with a capitalized “Y” – secondly, getting to the point: if some creep came up to me and said that while I was weighing the bulk almonds (raw)…

I’d probably remove his hand from my shoulder with nary but a stare, and tell him he’d forgotten his pills that morning. What pills?

His crazy pills, that’s what.

Only a perfectly deranged sociopath walks up to you and says, “you’re in”….without preamble, without context, without knowing to capitalize the “Y.”

Crazy, but it gets worse…let’s take it from the top so this part reads betta:

Imagine getting tapped on the shoulder one day…
… with nothing but the words “you’re in”…

… and suddenly you’re given access to a proven method
(so easy it’s almost “unfair”) for making a passive
income online….to the tune of “$237,522 a month”?

(( Cough! **BULL$#!T** Cough! ))

Look, there’s just no other word to describe it. Michelle Adams had a great post about that as well, the “Cow Pat” post (though here in America it would be “Pattie”) – hilarious read.

I honestly hope that the FTC sees this guy and shuts down his boatload of horse crap. $237,522 a month? Seriously? Who falls for that?

Oh! Right. Desperate people. People who have credit cards but no discernment. People facing food stamps, or on them currently, applying for 5 jobs a day and getting nowhere…In other words, prey on those who would love to quit their 16 hour workdays…or those who are out of work.

Classy. Yet another:

PLUS a “set and forget” automated software to put everything
on complete autopilot?

Ah. Lemme see – playing into people’s: Ignorance, Desire for comfort, Laziness…

No imagination, playing on people’s most basic desires and impulses, not to mention total ignorance. You couldn’t have asked for more crap if you were doing the Master Cleanse.

Note to self: try to use “automated” and “complete autopilot” more often…it sells…

This has happened – but nobody’s broken the code and
talked about it – until now:

=>>> http://www.PURE-BULL$.HIT.co.uk/likes/to/take/your/money/has/neither/class/nor/scruples/

Right. You’ve got a proven system making 1/4 million dollars a month – and nobody knows about it – and your first step is to make it into an ebook.

See Carrie’s recent post entitled Making Money Online Isn’t That Easy.

Finally (skipping through some turd mines along the way, I edited out a bunch of crap, literally) – the all-too inventive, never had an original thought “marketer” pulls out the final stop.

The silver bullet. False scarcity.

P.S. I’d hurry if I were you — who knows what’s going to
go down once the “inner circle” gurus realize they’re
blown? This free video could mysteriously “disappear” — and
if that happens, I wouldn’t count on it coming back (these
gurus play for keeps — and this may just be your ONLY
chance to even the score)…

For some reason I wasn’t moved to respond.

I don’t care if the “inner circle” of gurus beats the daylights out of the grammatically-challenged thugs who spammed my inbox – and I don’t care if they “disappear” along with the video.

Give it a few months and this swipe will be re-written using an article spinner, hopefully with a more imaginative copywriter who can at least engage my more sophisticated sensibilities without being overly pedantic and overtly manipulative.

This gutter trash isn’t marketing.

And if this is what passes for the money being in the list, I’ll be glad to be poor my whole life.

I’m not putting my hand in your checkbook while preying on your need for community (the introduction), nor on your need for ease and rest (people are working hard to make ends meet – over promising a 1/4 million in a month was more than “a bit much” – it’s a gross overstatement and I thought the FTC was crackin’ down??)…

There’s more to business than money. Like - your name? Whatever happened to that?

I can just imagine becoming one of these gurus on the “inner circle” and writing my mom a Look, Ma! No Hands! letter:

Hey, mom, I’m an internet marketer!

That means I hire people around the planet who can barely use the language – but they need the work so badly that they take these jobs and work 25 hours a day for RICE!!…

…to write really crappy emails pretending to be your friend, with a bag full of tricks to get you to click this link, so we can collect a fat paycheck at the expense of your desperate financial situation and pure ignorance!

I can do a new email campaign every month and make more money hitting “send” than you can at your honest day of work – you know, at the two jobs you’re working now because unemployment and Social Security and Food Stamps don’t really cut it?!

Nevermind, ma, that I made 1/4 million last month – but if you click this link you don’t need to work, think, or even have arms to reach the keyboard – this “job” is so easy R2-D2 can do it, and he doesn’t have arms, either!!

==>> CLICK HERE to LOSE your SOUL BUT Gain All The Wealth In the World While You Lose All Connection With REAL People, Including Your Kids!!

Be proud of yourself, mom, you raised a scoundrel, an uncouth virtual PIRATE!

==>>> CLICK HERE NOW and you can RETIRE from BOTH jobs AT ONCE, Ma!! You can be LIKE ME and Take ADVANTAGE of PEOPLE!

Think of it - we can pillage with a click of the mouse!

We can EVEN over-use ellipses “…” and exclamation points!!!!

Love, your son,

Capt. James T. Hook, Virtual Pirate

P.S.: Want to learn how I do it?

==>>> CLICK HERE for a FRE.E Video, mom! Better hurry, prices are going to go up soon – and I’d hate for you to miss it!

P.S.S.: Click the damn link, ma! Click it!!

Or just opt in right ==>>>HERE<<== so I can perpetually spam you!! It doesn’t matter that I don’t call on your birthday, ma - I’m an INTERNET MARKETER and ALL THAT MATTERS is MONEY!!!


**don’t even think about opting out, ma. I’m your SON, but I’ll disown you. You’ll never see your grand kids unless you buy the freaking course….**

I really only have two questions.

1) What did the people - not the “marks” or “lemmings” but the PEOPLE - on your list sign up for?

2) Do you care?

Money’s in the list. Nevermind your soul’s in the gutter.

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